Abraham is not bright. Let's get that out of the way: dumb as a fencepost and twice as dense. He has a mind like a man-catcher: simple in construction and rather effective for its designed purpose, but generally unwieldy and impossible to apply to any other task. Take, for example, his first period of employment.

    He signed on with a merchant ship by accident. Reflecting on that day at the docks he will admit, now, that the gangplank was a bit odd. No other public house ever required him to sign a roster either, or gave him new clothes for that matter. He took it all in stride and spent two years apprenticed to the ship's navigator — the only man with enough patience to train him.

    He'd probably still be there now had the ship not been caught by several Spanish galleons. The crew put up a valiant fight; Abraham himself used his longbow to good effect, despite the difficulties inherent to archery at sea. Alas, it was all for naught and the merchant ship was scuttled.

    Abe awoke on the shore outside of Portsmouth, much to his surprise, and raced to Lord Southampton to deliver the news of the Spanish invaders. Southampton was skeptical, but was able to confirm Abraham's story in enough time to warn her majesty and the Spaniards were intercepted by the notable Francis Drake.

    Abraham's quick thinking and demonstrable skill with the bow earned him a sponsorship to her majesty's personal guard, where he has made just about every mistake imaginable — once.